Übermaniam

The Short Story

2009-10-27T07:45:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time there lived two sisters, Rani Puri and Pani Puri. Rani Puri was non-veg. She ate Pani Puri.

The World's fastest Indian

2008-10-08T03:41:00.000-07:00

Tears of joy.

Nacho Libre

2008-10-05T07:37:00.000-07:00

More sproof that Jack Black is a brilliant actor.

The Italian Job (2003)

2008-10-05T07:27:00.001-07:00

Sleek, like Charlize Theron.

Knocked up

2008-10-05T01:09:00.001-07:00

Hilarious because it hurts.

Amu (1984)

2008-10-02T19:45:00.000-07:00

The strong and silent type that says a lot.

The Italian Job (Old)

2008-10-02T19:43:00.000-07:00

The problem with this film is it ends ... and how!

The Last Lear

2008-10-02T19:40:00.000-07:00

The problem with this film is it lacks a punchline.

Introducing OLVs: One line reviews

2008-10-02T09:49:00.000-07:00

The nicest thing about 'Drona' is the headlines it makes.

Malgudi blues

2008-08-25T06:10:00.000-07:00

Malgud blues

i went to Mysore
a charming town
that reminded me
of old bangalore
i went there to see
the man who took me
to a place that doesn't exist
the immortal malgudi

ta-na-na, ta-na-na-na-na
ta-na-na, ta-na-na-na-na

of sweet vendors
little children
village cricket and
financial experts
he quietly wrote
charming little stories
of a world so familiar
and yet, so remote

ta-na-na, ta-na-na-na-na
ta-na-na, ta-na-na-na-na

and then i saw it
RK's Mysore home
it stood there
silent and comely
like a muse
rich with possibilities
waiting to be engaged
alas it was not to be

ta-na-na, ta-na-na-na-na
ta-na-na, ta-na-na-na-na

i was politely told
by a faceless caretaker
that it's best to go easy
on the flash photography.
i wasn't miffed
nor did i feel insulted
for it went hand in hand
with the great man's personality

ta-na-na, ta-na-na-na-na
ta-na-na, ta-na-na-na-na

then, after 34 novels
and over 100 short stories
the man who taught greene
the meaning of indian
and left us his malgudi
at the ripe old age of 94
he was gone
his spirit lived on.

ta-na-na, ta-na-na-na-na
ta-na-na, ta-na-na-na-na

one day, i will return
to gentle joys of Mysore
and trip once again
down memory lane
to re-visit the place
only RK could see
and paint a picture of
... his immortal malgudi

ta-na-na, ta-na-na-na-na
ta-na-na, ta-na-na-na-na

Facebook blues

2008-08-21T02:10:00.000-07:00

i don't want to talk to you
i don't wanna poke you
i don't wanna invade your spaces
all i wanna do is tag you, baby
in the most unexpected places

i tag you between stones
you put me under a cross
i put you on a boat
baby, i can't wait to see
what else is in store for me

i don't wanna talk to you
i don't wanna poke you
i don't wanna invade your spaces
all i want to do is tag each other, baby
in the most unexpected places

i'll tag you to the east
i'll tag you to the west
i'll tag you once
i'll tag you twice
i'll tag you as long as time flies

'cause i don't wanna talk to you
i don't wanna poke you
i don't wanna invade your spaces
all i want from you is tags, baby
in the most unexpected places

you hit me with absurd
i come back with obscure
you put me on a mountain
i send you to a corner
this could go on forever

we don't say nothing
we don't need words
we have visual allegory
click, click, tag, tag
is the vocabulary of our story

i don't wanna talk to you
i don't wanna poke you
i don't wanna invade your spaces
all i wanna do is tag you, baby
in the most unexpected places

Family blues

2008-08-19T03:38:00.000-07:00

'meber the day you born
it seems so long
'member your smile
it's been a while

when you walked away
i didn't know what to say
you said i made you throw up
only 'member my eyes welled up

my daddy was distant
my mother dead
i grew up in an instant
forever short of bread

then i met your mama
the woman of my dreams
together we had ya
a pretty bad idea it now seems

baby don't blame us
it's all down to genes
you couldn't run away
from what we've once been

chorus:
so this my friends
is what i told my baby
the day before she left
to do some errands

now that i think about it
it sounds so messed up
it makes perfect sense
that she never returned up

Dreamt to be broken

2008-08-18T08:39:00.001-07:00

This little story I'm singin' about
I’m telling you, it's true
If you're a dreamer
This is what I got to say to you

I say dreams, yeah dreams
They’re dreamt to be broken
Your most cherished desires
Are the ones forsaken
If you like what you see
It’s best forgotten
‘cause dreams, yeah dreams
they’re dreamt to be broken

Was in this place n my mind
Was having the time of my life
That’s when my mama walked in
And turned on the lights

I say dreams, yeah dreams
They’re dreamt to be broken
Your most cherished desires
Are the ones forsaken
If you like what you see
It’s best forgotten
‘cause dreams, yeah dreams
are dreamt to be broken

I tell you me and my mind
On this we never can agree
Beats me why she's so blind
To something that’s so clear to me

If you have dreams, yeah dreams
They’re dreamt to be broken
Your most cherished desires
Are the ones forsaken
If you like what you see
It’s best forgotten
‘cause dreams, yeah dreams
they’re dreamt to be broken

Thought I had this woman
Till I saw her with another man
Thought she was a one of a kind
Till she did what only a woman can

If you have dreams, yeah dreams
They’re dreamt to be broken
Your most cherished desires
Are the ones forsaken
If you like what you see
It’s best forgotten
‘cause dreams, yeah dreams
they’re dreamt to be broken

I say take this from an old guy
Take it at face value
Don’t fall for your dreams
You'll only end feeling blue

Dreams, yeah dreams
Are dreamt to be broken
Your most cherished desires
Are the ones forsaken
If you like what you see
It’s best forgotten
‘cause dreams, yeah dreams
Are dreamt to be broken

I heard a noise

2008-08-16T22:57:00.000-07:00

I heard a noise
Noise, what kind of noise?
Oh yeah, I say I heard a noise
I said noise, what kind of noise
I heard a noise
A noise like shattering glass
Oh, that kinda noise
That’s just my broken heart

I heard ‘nother noise
Noise, now what kind?
Oh yeah, I heard ‘nother noise
Again? Say what kinda noise
A soft, muffled noise
Kinda buried, timid, almost quiet
Oh, that kinda noise
That’s just my inner voice

Listen to that, another noise
Yeah, I heard it too
You heard a noise?
Oh yeah, I heard a noise
You don’t say, what kinda noise
A plaintive cry that rent the air
Guttural, desperate and angry
Oh, that kinda noise
That’s just my soul laying itself bare

Shh … did you hear that noise?
Shh … is that the noise?
Man, you don’t hear no noise?
Shh … there’s too much noise
No, not that kind of noise
A noise so loud it screams
A noise so proud it preens
Oh, that kinda noise
that’s just my ego being spit-fried

I heard noises
Yeah, we heard noises
Noises inside and outside our head
Noises we’ll carry till we’re dead
Noises we want to silence
Noises that echo an inner violence
Yeah, we heard noises
Noises of rejection and bravery
Of a life in emotional slavery
Yeah, that kinda noise
Yeah, that kinda noise
Yeah, that kinda noise
That kinda noise every bluesman enjoys…
End with guitar solo … take it away!

Git your hands outta my pocket

2008-08-16T22:55:00.000-07:00

Git your hands outta my pocket
got no money in it for you
baby since we been together
it’s plain to everyone but me
so clear the world can see
we just make each other blue

Git your hands outta my pocket
there ain’t a damn thing in it for you
for a long long long long time now
your very presence, girl
it makes my toes curl
sad to say but that’s the truth

Git your hands outta my pocket
left with nothing in it for you
telling myself why oh why
did you believe what she said
after she let that man into your bed
how oh how could I been such a fool

Git your hands outta my pocket
only disappointment in it for you
i’ve got my glass of moonshine
baby, i’m not your kind
don’t want you to be mine
spare me your point of view

Git your hands outta my pocket
got no money in it for you
Git your hands outta my pocket
there ain’t a damn thing in it for you
Git your hands outta my pocket
left with nothing in it for you
Git your hands outta my pocket
only disappointment in it for you
where’s the meat market, boys
gotta start something new

When you smile

2008-08-12T23:04:00.000-07:00

baby, if you didn’t love me
why did you have to smile so
‘cause baby when I see you smile
i can’t think of nothing no more
so baby if you didn’t love me
why did you have to smile so

it’s been a long time baby
a very long time we’ve been together
it’s been a long time baby
very long since we’ve been together
but every time you smile, just so
i believe you won’t take no other lover

now you wanna leave
what do you expect me to say
farewell, on your way! no way …
still, if that’s what you want
how ‘bout a smile before you go
i don’t wanna feel no pain no more

in my time of dying
when i think of times gone by
i look back at you and me, baby
and the tears we bled together
then I ask myself
if she didn’t love me
why did she have to smile so

My latest venture

2008-08-12T20:05:00.000-07:00

To set up a blues band. Here's the last track I wrote. It's called 'Token up by the blues' and it's open to interpretation. Welcome.

Token up by the blues
sitting by myself
in this 100 year old house
boy, and is it an old old house
sitting by myself
in this 100 year old old house
i feel even older
i got no job
got no woman
got an empty whisky bottle
and a bad habit to feed
that’s when the baba said
here boy, try you some weed

well, there I was sitting by myself
in a 100 year old old house
feeling even older
got no friends
got no family
got a empty stomach
and nothing to eat
then the sage assured me
ignore the smell, the high is so-o-o sweet

there I was sitting by myself
starved of company
food, whisky and nookie
ready to hit rock bottom
sinking under the weight
of a life looking
oh so so so empty
that’s when it hit me
the future looked so peachy

i turned to the sage, the baba
the magician with the potion
took his blessings
and set off to conquer the world
a few hours later
a head-full of dreams down the line
prodded by reality
i woke up. i needed to toke up

now here I am
sitting by myself
in this 100 year old house
looking every bit older
still no job
still no woman
still an empty whisky bottle
a bad case of the munchies
and two bad habits to feed
boy, I wish I’d never tried meself that weed

Lootie

2008-07-23T21:09:00.001-07:00

What do you call a synonym that also sounds like the word it shares a meaning with, 'Same-onym'? Rght, let's call it a 'same-onym' for the time being. Interesting aside apart, I was watching the 'Loot-lo' promotion running for some brand being advertised on television. (Contractual obligations, forbid me from mentioning the name of the said brand.) Back to 'Loot-lo', do you see what I see? Already? Maybe not. t's coming.

What struck me about 'Loot-lo' is that 'loot' is a Hindi word that's also an English word and both these words sound the same but belong to two different languages. It's not like 'lo' in Hindi and 'lo' in English. It's a bilingual punstruction in which the punning word means the same thing in both languages. Unlike puns in other cases, where the word being used as a pun means two different things, 'Loot-lo' is less a conventional word pun than a - to the best of my limited knowledge - a unique language pun-meets-same-onym.

In other words, 'Loot' is an English 'same-onym' for the Hindi word 'loot'. No, stay with me. Don't zone out. Focus. I'm not saying 'the Hindi word for 'loot'' - which incidentally happens to be 'loot' - I'm saying 'loot' written in Hindi means and sounds the same as 'loot'.

You will find hundreds of homonyms like 'calm' - in English, 'calm' is peace and 'calm' in Hindi means 'work' - but few 'loot'-like 'same-onyms', apart from 'loot'. How many can you waste your precious time unearthing?

ps: 'Lootie' is what I call my girlfriend. It's a tamil word that means 'Naughty'. It's also a tri-lingual punstruction of the conventional kind. (Don't ask.)

You can dance if you wanna!!

2008-07-20T22:55:00.000-07:00

Net-net, here's the idea: I've written a TV game show in which the contestants are expected to shake, shimmy, rattle and roll to a compendium of music samples from various genres. The idea is to see who's the best at 'Dance Improv'. Imagine. So many songs, so many lists, so many samples, so many permutations, so many combinations, so many entries, so many episodes, so much money. For a share of the spoils, contact me.

Sample episode: 'You can dance if you wanna!!'
Duration: 30 minutes.
Cut and Tackles: 30
Genres: Gospel, Country, Hip-hop, Bollywood, Carnatic and Tango!
Negative marking: 0.1 per 'Cut'
Perfect score: 10
DJ and compiler: Myself

The ipod effect

2008-07-18T06:56:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've blogged here. Fact is, I've been a bit conflicted about blogging in general, and writing in particular. I'm going through one of those phases that many a writer trying to find his voice goes through: the one that makes you wonder time and time and time again whether the immense effort is all worth it. On some days, it seems one of the most rubbish things to do in life. Writing in the hope that someday it will all bear fruit. Clutching at straws might be a more rewarding pastime. I suppose, the fact that I'm still hammering away at a keyboard for an audience of not more than one can only mean one thing: I'm still an optimist. Why else would I want to share with the world a stupid little theory that I have about the kind of gifts one should give out to winners of the various contests the men in marketing are constantly organising to sell more of their products.

In my view, the best giveaways are things that emit the 'ipod effect'. The 'ipod effect' is that aura of intangible value some products carry with them for reasons that go beyond mere functionality. So while a product that exhibits the 'ipod effect' might cost something, the people who are given this product think it's worth more. The ipod is a great example of one such 'ipod effect' product. Which is why it makes for one of the most popular gifts marketers like to use for their promotions. Over 50% of the promotions in the last one year have given away ipods as prizes to the winners. And for good reason.

Most of the time, with certain emotional exceptions, people feel a gift is worth less to them than if they were to go out and buy it themselves. Something in the 'gifting activity' reduces the 'monetary attachment' that people have towards it. Some products escape this 'negative gifting effect'. The iPod, for instance. Can you think of other products that enjoy the 'ipod effect'?

My toons #1

2007-12-29T04:47:00.000-08:00

Ek Akela from Gharonda

2007-08-06T04:39:00.000-07:00

Perfectly expresses the way I feel. Always.

Lyrics: Gulzar Saab, Music: Jaidev, Voice: Bhupinder

Testing times

2007-08-06T00:56:00.000-07:00

If I were a drink, I'd be a glass of red wine. If I were an item of footwear, I'd be a pair of fuck-me boots. If I were a colour, I'd be blue. If I were more secure, I wouldn't be any of the people taking all these tests to try and pin down what they are. But what takes the cake, in my opinion, is a test that tells you what you might be if you were a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Well, let me tell you what I would be if I were a Teenage Mutant Ninja turtle. I'd rather be dead.

Rants apart, what kind of person would someone not inclined to put themselves up for any of this kind of pop-psychology be? Serious, complicated, boring, messed up or just plain happy? This is why human beings fascinate me. But not much more. Finally, if I were a test, I suppose I'd be quite testy.

Sri Linka: Friends, anyone?

2007-08-03T23:24:00.000-07:00

I've often wondered why I have few friends. I still do. I suppose, it must have something to do with the things I do, or not. That said, here's an heartfelt take on the matter of friendship and what it can do, or not, to you. It touched me. Maybe it'll do the same for you. Much like a good friend ought to. Not that I know of any in my half-circle of acquaintances.

An excerpt: A real friend doesn't sleep with your partner. A real friend doesn't use you. A real friend wishes you well. A real friend acts in your interests. A real friend isn't possessive. A real friend will do you a favour without holding it against you. A real friend will tell you what they think. A real friend will drop everything for you when you are in need. A real friend is rare indeed. And elsewhere in the piece this gem: "Your friends are God's apology for your relations".

Sri Linka: Friends, anyone?

Überviews #52: Cash

2007-08-03T22:46:00.000-07:00

2/10: Give or take a few techniques and a song or two, the film is pretty much an utter waste of ... well, a lot of cash.

Guess which country?

2007-08-02T02:59:00.000-07:00

Much needed downtime

2007-07-31T03:52:00.001-07:00

While most people will curse servers, sites and the like for going down to perform maintenance related activities, I quite thank them for doing so. At least, it gives me some enforced time off from these all consuming webs. When the internet is like a drug to you, these supply side downtimes are much like checking into rehab. Without these mandatory breaks, the sites on the net that I feed off and can't get enough of will destroy me. And they say, marijuana is a drug. I say, what isn't?

Sri Linka: What say, you?

2007-07-28T02:01:00.000-07:00

And now for something funny. Very funny.

I don't know about you but there's something about lists that I find irresistable. I suppose one of the reasons for this is the reader-friendly way in which they present a lot of information. And two, the inevitable debate they give rise to. Both of which, as an aside, are essential elements for the proper blogging experience.

Someday, when I get old and free, I'll put my feet up and watch the movies on this list I haven't had the pleasure of, or the time to, guffaw over. Of course, by the time I get around to it, they'll be another batch of lists I'll have to catch up with. Sigh.

Sri Linka: Observer's Top 50 comedy films of all time.

Überviews #51: The Simpsons Movie

2007-07-27T19:46:00.000-07:00

Like we care how much it rates/10: Which, happily enough, makes it just the kind of movie you'd expect from the creators of The Simpsons.

Sri Linka: The truth about Advertising

2007-07-23T22:57:00.000-07:00

After more than a few years in advertising, I've come to believe that reinventing the wheel is, pretty much, all we do. Oddly enough, in my view that's also a fair, albeit overly simplistic, representation of life.

Every piece of advertising is, for better or for worse, a different visual, verbal and storied execution of a solution for an ever-present human problem in a deceptively repackaged avataar. It makes sense then that the way we look at them and the solutions we seek to tackle these constant issues take on variant forms. Maybe I'm wrong.

That said, here's a revealing presentation on the 12 categories that every piece of advertising can be categorised into. Perhaps it better illustrates what I was struggling to articulate. I suppose somewhere in there is a Doctoral thesis of a few hundred pages which doesn't say much more than Plus que ca change, plus que c’est la meme chose.

Sri Linka: Master Advertising

Sri Linka: Scrabulous

2007-07-22T19:08:00.000-07:00

Nothing like link love to spread the internet fever. From today, I start yet another category of posts few people will bother to read. It's called 'Sri Linka', and it's all about doing what the great ÜberM loves to do. (For details, look to the top right hand corner of this blog.)

I remember the many afternoons I spent playing scrabble with my grandmother. Were it not for her, I'd never have made the mistake of falling in love with words and harbouring delusions of being a writer. This one's for her. And for the wordsmiths and wordiots of the world. A great new way to scrabble. Online. Here's to yet another activity turning into a verb. (No, don't thank me. Thank Rajat and Jayant Agarwalla, the developers of this application.)

Sri Linka: Scrabulous

Überviews #50: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

2007-07-20T23:13:00.001-07:00

?/10: I suppose it must be a good film because the people in the cinema hall clapped when it was over. I wouldn't know - I dozed off a few minutes after it started and woke up a few minutes before it ended. Will I try and catch it again? Probably not. I think some phenomenons are best left to the imagination.

Überviews #49: Black Friday

2007-07-20T23:08:00.000-07:00

8/10: Unmissable if you're from Bombay. On second thoughts, just unmissable.

Überviews #48: Tsotsi

2007-07-20T22:56:00.000-07:00

7/10: Salaam Bombay from South Africa.

Überviews #47: The 40 year old virgin

2007-07-19T08:19:00.000-07:00

7/10: A great film about waiting for the first time that makes you want to do it again. (The film.)

Who are you?

2007-07-18T02:15:00.000-07:00

Different people have different reasons for using an alias. Most of the time, it's to mask their true identity and save themselves from getting into any kind of trouble, professionally or even personally. So why do I opt for one? Certainly not because it helps me hide who I am. Quite the contrary, actually.

I've been exposed by other points-of-view and aliases as a blog troll, someone who defends plagiarism, a person with no beliefs and a gadfly who is best ignored. Google the words 'Übermaniam' or 'The Daily Unusual' or 'Dopppsy' and you'll get to the posts by various people whom I don't know - in a manner of speaking - mouthing off the aformentioned opinions based on superficial experiences of my so-called sins. Needless to say, these attacks have hurt me in ways I haven't been able to fully comprehend.

The thing about not using an assumed name is you can never be yourself. As your 'Professional name', you've got to make sure you are careful with what you say. You've got to be, mostly, nice to people. You've got to cultivate an audience and so, you have to lie. Honestly speaking, I find that quite impossible to do. In fact, I find people who don't feel the need to hide their name, in a hard-to-explain way, rather difficult to trust.

I would argue that people with the ability to be in public what the world knows them as, are more adept at hiding their true selves than the people who are diseased enough to speak their mind and so feel the need to protect themselves with pseudonyms. It's a well-known lesson of life that if you want to be popular, you cannot afford to be frank. Put not-so-simply, be very afraid of taking a popular person at face value.

So, why do I choose handles? Two reasons. One, because they demonstrate my ability to proudly indulge my schizoid self. And two, so I don't besmirch the public image of a certain 'Mr. Avinash Subramaniam'. Happily enough, the latter is all over bar the shouting.

Us

2007-07-17T22:39:00.000-07:00

While reading a confessional piece in the Times, UK in which the writer blames alcohol for ... umm, liquidating her mother, I wondered whether it's the vice that ought to be blamed for destroying the person or the person who should take responsiblity for letting it do it to her. The way I see it, the vice is just a device in the hands of the abuser who is allowing it to overcome her.

I've smoked a lot - and when I say a lot, I mean a lot - of drugs in my not-so-long life. From past experience, I can say that blaming the drugs is just another symptom of the foible that pushes people like me towards the substance and abuse. It's not the drugs, the liquor and the like that destroy you. It's you who let these things take charge of you.

I believe it's important to draw this distinction because saying 'Alcohol consumed so-so' or 'Drugs ruined my life' is avoiding taking responsibility for what you have essentially sourced, rolled or poured and then ingested, inhaled or ... well, consumed.

As someone who has spent a fair number of years earning a living crafting appropriate words to sell ideas of different kinds, I would argue that confessional writing - the purpose of which is often to help other people in similar situations benefit from it - might serve its brief better if it addressed this matter with a lesser degree of compassion.

If I were to ever get around to writing a book on the different things a drug addict goes through, I'd write it in the words of the drug and adopt a condescending tone of voice in which the substance mocks the devitalised abuser for her vice. Hmm ... now there's another idea someone with a little more skill and discipline might be tempted to do something with.

All that said and done, this round of introspection has been most humbling. It has dawned on me just how impuissant I must have been. How could I have sunk so low? Boy, this is most depressing. I need a toke.

Überviews #46: Broken English (2007)

2007-07-17T01:43:00.000-07:00

6/10: Much like love, this love story, too, sags in parts but is, for the most part, fascinating, disturbing, frustrating, satisfying, engaging and overall rather engrossing. Standout: Parker Posey.

The gloves are off

2007-07-16T19:55:00.000-07:00

When people ask me ... no, make that, if ever people deign to ask me what kind of a writer I am, I'll start by telling them a few things I won't tell them. For instance, I won't tell them I'm a good writer. I won't tell them I'm a powerful writer. I most definitely won't tell them I'm a logical writer. What I might try and get by them is that I'm an unconventional writer.

Yawn. I suppose anyone with pretensions of being some kind of a wordsmith, would like to think of herself as, if nothing else, at least, unconventional. In that case, am I just a boilerplate slinger? After all, if every pen-pusher is in one way or another unorthodox, doesn't that make a writer who's not much more than different, same? It most ineluctably does. Yaysoos! (There, I even managed to, for a change, use words I just discovered the meanings of, properly. I think.)

In my brighter moments, I like to believe there's more to my writerly posing than just ... well, posing and atypicalness. When I look at my samples of writing, admittedly, with some trepidation, I see in them an Ali-esque quality. A jab here. Followed by a quick right hook. A step back to take stock. A sway to one side for a different point of view. A comeback from the other to restore equilibrium. A disarming moment of seeming weakness. A devastating counter. And much braggadocio.

Hold on a minute, did I just call myself the Ali of writers? Looks like I did. I guess all those punches I've taken on my head, in the gut and to heart during my years in advertising have ... well, gone to my head.

Girls from Mumbai just wanna have fun

2007-07-16T03:15:00.000-07:00

As someone who has been a bit of a quizzer oftentimes and a misogynist other times, it gives me ... umm, immense quizzical thoughts when I look at the roster of top performers at the BQC. Why so few women?

I've known a few women in the Chennai and Bangalore circle of quizzers who'd beat the pants of my little quizzing ass, but what's with the women of Mumbai? Next to no finishers near the top of the table. Hmm. Out with it girls. Too busy doing other more important things than quizzing? And pray, what might these so-called more important things be?

I guess it would be hazardous to draw any hasty conclusions from this latest set of revelations, so I wisely shan't. Instead, I'll let you arrive at your own. Incidentally, if you want to check out some really smart female quizzers, you ought to check out my friend Unantha's quiz blogs.

PS: What's with the picture of the jugs? Well, when I typed the words "Female Quizzers' in Google Image Search, that's one of the images that came up. Nuff said.

Überviews #45: Raid on Entebbe

2007-07-15T06:51:00.000-07:00

6/10: Clinical, like Operation Thunderbolt. And the Israelis.

Überviews #44: Harsh Times

2007-07-14T00:51:00.000-07:00

6.5/10: You wait for something to go wrong and, in the end, it doesn't disappoint.

When I met Sir Salman

2007-07-14T00:01:00.000-07:00

As a wannabe writer, I was understandably over-the-moon when I discovered that Mr. Rushdie (then, not yet knighted) was going to be present at our New Year bash. I immediately imagined all the conversations I was going to have with him - about writing, about The Satanic Verses, about what it takes to be a published writer and about why I didn't care as much as the rest of the world did for his books.

Unfortunately, cometh the hour of the get-together, Mr. Rushdie didn't seem to care much for our company. Maybe he didn't find Chennai quite conducive to his otherwise ordered life. Maybe he didn't appreciate all the attention his then-partner, Ms. Lakshmi was getting. Maybe he was just too big for our little Ogilvy, Chennai party. Whatever it was, he looked far, far away from a happy camper we were trying our sincerest to help him be.

An hour and a bit after the buzz around him had dissipated, I walked up to him and introduced myself. Sadly, I didn't register one bit on his radar. (I suppose I was too low-flying an object to make any kind of impression.) A few uncomfortable minutes later, I fished out a table napkin and asked him for his autograph. Thankfully, he didn't decline my request. I made some hesitant noises about how much I admired him and such like, but soon realised that my words were lost in the air of indifference he had surrounded himself with. Still, I wasn't totally crushed - at least, I had something to show for my troubles.

The next morning, I looked expectantly at the coveted napkin Mr. Rushdie had signed his name on. What stared back at me was little more than a well-disguised 'S' and a careless 'l' somewhere in the midst of a slapdash doodle - I imagine he was worried I might try and sell it on ebay or something like that. All of which only confirmed the first impression I took away of Mr. Rushdie, as a cynical, highly vainglorious man who didn't care much for humanity. Here's hoping I'm never so scarred by my experiences.

Walking on water

2007-07-10T18:59:00.000-07:00

Email friend, travel writer, aspiring film-maker and powerful imagist, Vinoo Krishnan has this to say about what the land mafia, and we, have done to what used to be Hebbal Lake. The great headline to this post is his. All I can say is pure Gore. Enough said.

Vermaji, this is why I blog

2007-07-08T21:51:00.000-07:00

In a wittily constructed aside, the very articulate Vermaji takes off on the equally expressive Vir Sanghviji for declaring a marked inclination for the Beatles over the Stones. Now, pray, why should that be so hard to stomach?

The Beatles, in my not-so-humble opinion, created better melodies than the Stones. And if, God forbid, it came down to who I'd prefer for company on a Desert Island, I, too, would plump for them. Does this make me a counfounding antithesis of the person who writes with great skill about olives or other fine things in life? I hope not. I suspect there are more than a few fine food critics who'd prefer the Beatles and olives to the Stones.

The way I see it, it's a simple matter of taste. And not the lack of good taste, as Vermaji tries to make it out to be. All this in no way justifies my blogging on about it for an audience of one. That said, I find it very hard not to stand up for the Beatles. (Much like Vermaji for the Stones.)

Tube light: Oh, hang on a minute. I get it. The whole thing is not much more than an engaging artifice for a few more pageviews. As you can see, these age-old face-offs are a great tactic to get people going. (Link: Vermaji vs. Sanghviji)

Überviews #43: Transformers

2007-07-08T04:51:00.000-07:00

5.75/10: Slowly changes from extraordinary to ordinary.

Überviews #42: Dead Silence

2007-07-08T04:43:00.000-07:00

2/10: If you watch the film, it's best to keep quiet about it.

Überviews #41: Jhoom Barabar Jhoom

2007-06-30T18:58:00.000-07:00

Caveat viewer: This film scores 0/5 for logic and 10/5 for illogic. Which, in the spirit of things, adds up to a grand total of 6/10. It is an out-and-outrageous entertainer that's high on Bollywood. Leave your mind outside the cineplex. Bring in your ears, heart and popcorn.

Überviews #40: An Inconvenient Truth

2007-06-29T22:46:00.000-07:00

7/10: A few might dispute the alarming science in this film but what is indisputable is that this is a powerful plug for Al Gore as the future President of the United States of America.

Film vs. Book #1: H2G2

2007-06-29T08:59:00.000-07:00

It’s virtually impossible to say anything objective about an experience that is revered by almost everyone who has, and in some cases even by people who haven’t, participated in it. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (H2G2), much like the Lord of the Rings and Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, to name but two, is that kind of happening. But, I’ll try and approach the onerous task on hand in the spirit of the book, i.e., calmly.

When I first attempted to read H2G2, like any self-respecting follower, I went for it hammer and tongs. I grabbed the Adams’ Trilogy in four parts, called ‘Life, the Universe and Everything’ (in no small measure thanks to the title, which I found uproariously funny) and plunged into it all arms and legs. It was too much. I couldn’t get beyond the first 30 pages. Of course, like practically every unsuccessful 'reader' of ‘important’ books on the planet, I felt ashamed and most inadequate.

For many years, thereafter, this traumatic non-event remained a black hole in my list of literary influences. Every time someone mentioned the book in, of course, reverential tones, I’d nod knowingly and make earnest sounds of clueless agreement.

Then, recently, prompted by the purchase of the H2G2 DVD, I picked up the first part of the Adams’ Trilogy, convinced that I was now grown up enough to appreciate the mind-boggling pleasures of this awe-inspiring book. Predictably enough, in my case, I bought the DVD not because I had enjoyed reading the book but simply because I had to find a way to truly be part the H2G2 crowd. How could I not, this was H2G2. Everything about it had to be awesome.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t.

Now now, hold on. Please don’t panic. Please don't crucify me. Please allow me one, just one, feeble attempt to try and justify my incredible stance on this earth-shattering book of global significance. Thank you.

Carefully speaking, both -- the book and the film -- are good, but not great. Oddly enough, I enjoyed the film more than the book. $hit, I've done it again. Not only have I committed the cardinal sin of being inadequately worshipful about the book, I’ve multiplied it by saying the film is better. So help me my dear kinda-undecided-about-your-existence God.

And for the few who are still with me, an impotent stab at explaining my hedonistic reasons for preferring the film. It had much to do with the bright colours and the cutesy, stylish animations. The not-all-CGI-driven-aesthetic employed for the special effects to create the creatures, the settings and, among other things, the lumbering Vogon people I found rather endearing. And a deliciously bright, over-the-top performance from Sam Rockwell as Zaphod Beeblebrox, the two-headed rogue king of the Galaxy. None of which, in a manner of speaking, I got from the book. (I know, downright sacrilege.)

Yes, the characters in the book are better fleshed out -- they better be, it is after all a book -- but they aren't crafted into an engaging narrative. This is not to say the film is a smoothly structured ride. In fact, it's even jumpier than the book. Where it scores over the book is in the showcasing of the sights and sounds from the book, something the writer in Douglas Adams has not been able to do. (At least, for me.) That said, what I did immensely enjoy in both forms was Marvin, the perpetually-depressed robot, who is a pure joy to read, watch and listen to (Alan Rickman doing a perfectly apathetic turn with the voiceover).

The way I see it, H2G2 is a kind of book that falls in a genre between magical realism and science fiction (whatever that might be) and is not for everyone; even though, every Tom, Dick and Nerdy strives to make it seem like it is. I also believe Douglas Adams is an infinitely better thinker-up of improbable ideas than a polished wordsmith.

To conclude this blasphemous piece of extraordinarily indigestible opinion, a few more thoughts on why the book didn’t do it for me, even the second time. I suspect it might have something to do with my age, both times. I think I was too young for it when I first approached it. Sadly, the mature, boring, stoic person I am today is a tad over-that-hill from where one might be able to unequivocally appreciate the highs of this slightly juvenile, quite absurd and wildly spaced out book. Still, if you were to ask me what -- the film or the book -- you should feed your fancy with first? I'd unhesitatingly say both - for I am inclined to believe that a mix 'n' watch will be a most compelling journey.

Before passing away into the oblivion of must-be losers who won’t pay obeisance at the shrine of H2G2, there is one other thing I'd like to say. When Ford Prefect tells Arthur Dent, early in the story, that he, initially, thought the dominant life form on Earth were cars, I immediately found myself agreeing with him. Vehemently. Emphatically. Militantly. Great call, great idea, Douglas. (So, does this absolve me, to some extent, of my impertinent crimes against Adamskind? I sincerely hope so.)

Famous last words: Because we live in an age of technology that allows us to show what Science Fiction in written form will find relatively difficult to match, I would argue that books of the H2G2 kind, if well done, are likely to woo and wow modern audiences more on film. Not surprisingly, the case of Douglas Adams' landmark book confounds the mind and Garth Jennings' film is delectable eye candy. For the complete trip into their Galaxy, do them together.

Überviews #39: The Hitchhiker's Guide to how can you not know what

2007-06-29T07:11:00.000-07:00

6/10: Absurdly entertaining, especially Marvin. But.

Überviews #38: Die Hard 4.0

2007-06-29T03:22:00.000-07:00

7/10: 'Hi I'm a Mac' Justin Long helps Bruce Willis, and Steve Jobs, create an action-packed, fully-loaded, totally teched-up, and so subversive 130 minute commercial for Apple. Question: Did Steve Jobs pay anything for this product placement?

What if Lever played Borg

2007-06-29T03:17:00.000-07:00

Actually, he did. And how.

The goals are great

2007-06-29T02:52:00.000-07:00

But it's the commentary that really takes the cake.

The bad ass

2007-06-29T02:51:00.001-07:00

Used to eat batsmen alive. Would do the same to the current crop of trundlers the Windies possess.

Forget Paris

2007-06-29T01:01:00.000-07:00

Even when people want to forget her, they can't. Check out this non-news story that refuses to stop making the news.

Can't Jackie?

2007-06-25T22:51:00.000-07:00

Practice.

The Sopranos in 7 minutes

2007-06-22T23:37:00.001-07:00

Baggio v/s Baggio

2007-06-22T01:32:00.000-07:00

No, not that missed penalty against Brazil. This is something else from the man who was something else.

The BINV Syndrome

2007-06-22T00:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, somebody I work with walked up to me and asked whether I had heard of Anand Jon? (In case you haven't, he is the LA fashion designer charged with multiple counts of rape and other sexual offences.) The funny thing is not that he asked me about Anand Jon but that he seemed almost proud to have studied with someone who was now in the news, for all the wrong reasons. I suppose you can call it the Being In The News Vicariously (BINV) Syndrome. Which also explains why so many people love to send links to websites like India Uncut. (So that they too can enjoy their few links of fame, silly.) Full disclosure: I, too, bombard Vermaji with my links. Unfortunately, the much admired gent doesn't find them interesting enough to showcase on his Übersite. Sniff.

Links: Anand Jon, Vermaji

Pillar of strength

2007-06-19T22:10:00.001-07:00

A Mango is better than Pratibha Patil

2007-06-17T20:37:00.000-07:00

Since it goes without saying that a Mango will prove to be a more intelligent Presidential candidate than the fruitcake that is Mahima Chaudhury, I won't say it again. Furthermore, a Mango will not have to worry about sartorial inconveniences while getting into a tank or any other military vehicle. For instance, a bicycle. Thus, it has been proven without a doubt that a Mango continues to be the best bet for the President of my great country. All hail the Mango. What mystifies me is why Vermaji chose to switch loyalties and drop the Mango from the top of his list. Though, this post leads me to believe he may be switching loyalties. Back.

What's interesting is

2007-06-17T20:18:00.001-07:00

That the most viewed video on this new video upload web site is the one on how to detect infidelity. In fact, six of the top 10 videos viewed have all got to do with relationships. Hmm.

Horseplay

2007-06-15T03:50:00.000-07:00

Find out why Brian Blessed never became a jockey. So funny the uploader decided to repeat it.

Ka Chong

2007-06-14T23:38:00.001-07:00

Stephen Colbert v/s Tommy Chong

I prefer the Mango

2007-06-14T23:35:00.000-07:00

Since Vermaji has chosen to go with a fruit-cake and withdrawn his nomination of the Mango for President of India, it becomes incumbent upon me to take up the cause of this most deserving of fruits. Mostly because I find it a lot easier to have a crush on a Mango than Abdul Kalam. Or for that matter, Mahima.

Reminder from iPhone

2007-06-11T19:16:00.001-07:00

The new iPhone commercials from one of the smartest marketers on the planet. In a time when so much advertising strives to be smart, they're not. They're just intelligent. At least, that's what I think. iPhone. My phone.

Überviews #37: Grindhouse

2007-06-10T19:26:00.000-07:00

4/5 and 2/5: Tarantino does a Pulp Fiction in Death Proof, while Rodriguez makes a no-brainer with zombies.

Überviews #36: Ocean's 13

2007-06-09T00:45:00.000-07:00

6.5/10: Standout camera work. Great Chemistry between Brad and Clooney. Very stylishly made. Very Sinatra.

Überviews #35: Zodiac

2007-06-06T19:37:00.000-07:00

7/10: An engrossing film that's more like a book; in that it takes its time to reveal itself.

Überviews #34: Sylvia

2007-06-05T18:44:00.000-07:00

6/10: An incomplete visual poem that takes us on a rivetting trip into a few dark corners of two very intense minds.

Überviews #33: Shrek 3

2007-06-04T23:23:00.000-07:00

6/10: Despite it being a threequel, which most of the time is two too many, it's still worth a watch to see non-human creatures behaving like inhuman beings.

Martin Amis

2007-06-03T00:46:00.000-07:00

“Here is a list of things I have understood.
i. There are only two sorts of things, bad and good.
ii. When he gets the good, a man ought to be glad.
iii. When he gets the bad, a man ought to be sad.
iv. Some of the good are joking, smoking, soaking,
And (if you will permit the expression) poking.
v. In a bad place these are absent, or even banned.
vi. In a good place they are frequent, or ready to hand.
vii. And I want as much of them as I can stand.”

Überviews #32: Haven

2007-06-02T19:59:00.000-07:00

5/10: Looks good. And like most things that look good, it feels superficial.

Überviews #31: Perfect Strangers

2007-06-02T00:14:00.000-07:00

5/10: Bad writing. Bad casting. Bad news.

Überviews #30: Black Snake Moan

2007-06-02T00:09:00.000-07:00

6/10: An exploitive flick that tries to communicate compassion. And does so, quite successfully.

Close up

2007-06-01T05:25:00.000-07:00

Überviews #29: The Invisible

2007-05-27T20:08:00.000-07:00

4/10: Sad. And I don't mean it in a nice way.

Make money or make sense

2007-05-27T19:52:00.002-07:00

I hear what Amit Vermaji is saying about what Amitji is being made to say when he says this. But more often than not a writer has to compromise on what he would ideally like to say to be able to say anything at all. (Something I'm sure an independent like Vermaji is well aware of.) Considering I come from the same industry, I know were Balki is coming from. Make no mistake, the writing in Cheeni Kum is far from great. But by Indian standards, it is a superior film. Ah, Indian standards. Different matter. Different post.

Überviews #28: The Godfather III

2007-05-26T20:11:00.000-07:00

8/10: Watch it, again, for the unforgettable climax to the climax.

Javed Miandad

2007-05-26T19:52:00.001-07:00

Amit Verma in yet another hat-tip to the debonair, dashing Vir Sanghvi and his thoughts suggests that if you want to really insult a badly-behaved townie the worst thing you can call him is a 'villager'. That is so sad. Why give the poor villagers a bad name? In my experience, villagers are a far more compassionate, civilised and generous class than most townies I have come across. Instead, I propose we try and shame the noveau riche by calling them 'Javed Miandad'. Ouch!

Überviews #27: Cheeni Kum

2007-05-25T20:35:00.000-07:00

7/10: Sweet. Especially, the Direction.

Tumbler

2007-05-25T05:22:00.001-07:00

Cricket used to be fun

2007-05-25T05:19:00.000-07:00

Blaster from the past

2007-05-25T05:07:00.000-07:00

Überviews #26: Don't move

2007-05-25T03:08:00.001-07:00

5/10: All five points in this film go for cinematography, colour and camera angles. Don't bother with the rest of the film, which isn't about much more than fucking around.

Überviews #25: 8 Mile

2007-05-25T02:57:00.002-07:00

8/10: Agreed, an '8' might be a bit too much for a film about (and with) a guy like Eminem who's so hard to like, but the intensity of the film is what got me. Which is also what I like so much about Eminem. Ah well, okay so I also have a thing for Brittanny Murphy. But that's besides the point. Reeeeally!

Überviews #24: The Godfather II

2007-05-19T21:29:00.000-07:00

8/10: Like making love to a great woman. Slowly.

Überviews #23: The Breed

2007-05-19T21:25:00.001-07:00

5/10: The best thing about the movie was that the people next to me screamed some hundred times during the course of it.

Dollah hu Akbar

2007-05-19T07:09:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Dubai.

Hair cut

2007-05-18T03:35:00.000-07:00

Scientists found a way to grow new hair. Method: "The researchers made relatively large wounds on the backs of adult mice, and found that if a wound reached a certain size new hairs formed at its center, with the skin undergoing changes mimicking stages of embryonic hair-follicle development." Theory: The wounds activate dormant embryonic mechanisms that reprogram skin stem cells to make hair follicles. The good news: We can cure baldness! The bad news: ... through head wounds.

It's a funny old game

2007-05-18T02:10:00.001-07:00

The Black Sheep of Vegetables

2007-05-17T01:14:00.000-07:00

For more such handjobs.

Life of Brian

2007-05-16T22:41:00.000-07:00

'Neil Harvey, standing at leg slip, with his legs wide apart, waiting for a tickle.' Thus spake Brian Johnston.

The Daily Twitter Digested

2007-05-16T19:50:00.000-07:00

From the very engaging and very simple, therefore engaging, The Daily Twitter Digest maintained by A. M. Griffin of Alabama. "The more powerful and original a mind, the more it will incline towards the religion of solitude" ∞ Aldous Huxley.

Lemony snippet

2007-05-16T05:28:00.000-07:00

The coolest Lemon since the VW Beetle, this is one of the exhibits at the Lemon Festival in Menton, Cote D'Azur and was created out of nothing else but Lemons. Via the always refreshing Sepia Mutiny.

What Shit!

2007-05-16T01:25:00.000-07:00

Hot Shit. Cool shit. Some shit. Any shit. Just shit. Shit, shit. Toscani's shit.

Plug unplugged

2007-05-16T01:20:00.001-07:00

Seth Stevenson, advertising deconstructer for Slate commenting on Oliviero Toscani being honoured by the Clio Committee, doesn't think making ads for a living should qualify anyone to be a 'hero'. (Unless that person devotes his spare time to rescuing kittens from trees.) Shoot! Isn't a life devoted to making people feel, no matter what, a heroic endevour? In today's world, eliciting any feelings from the zombies we're surrounded by ought to count for something quite significant. Then again, it's very likely that advertising is what makes us zombies. (Tee, hee. Nice try, yours truly.)

Forms before function

2007-05-16T00:58:00.000-07:00

These days the term "al-Qaida" refers to a loosely knit global network, rather than a centralized organization. Thus spake Daniel Engber, one of the funniest explainers I have never met, in his memo on the amount of red tape it takes to enlist with an al-Qaida.

Chessmate

2007-05-16T00:44:00.000-07:00

If we humans are so good at seeing the big picture, let's see it. In the big picture, whether the computer beats us isn't important. Either way, it's a human triumph. More.